Bobby vs. the Volcano

I haven’t wanted to punch someone in the face this bad since watching Jar-Jar Binx’s horrendous condescension in Episode One of Star Wars. Good Gawd! Hot Damns! Will you listen to this oblivious dastard?

For real? Is this guy remotely serious? There are universal tears of laughter coming from media punditry of all political stripes and stars. Some Republicans are even opining the return of Sarah Palin to put us all out of our misery. My fave is from David Rees (you may remember David from such productions as Get Your War On)

Boosh! Checkit!

Don’t know about you, but I am FIRED UP about Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal’s speech last night. After “Communist-in-Chief” Barack Obama spoke to Americans like they were a bunch of babies (all the while scheming to steal their money and give it to the banks, which he would then nationalize, meaning he would get a huge year-end bonus), it was refreshing to see a politician who isn’t afraid to speak to Americans like they’re adults.

I’ll admit, I haven’t really been paying attention to the USA Leninism Stimulator Act, or whatever it’s called. (All I knew was that it cost about fifty quadrillion dollars, and if you started stacking $100 bills on top of each other the day Jesus was born, they’d eventually reach all the way around the equator and into outer space and we’d all be forced to walk to the moon on a stairway of dollar bills made from how wasteful the government is.)

But it took Bobby Jindal’s confident, manly speech and ferocious, slashing hand gestures to really bring home to me just how wasteful the Stimulator Package really is.

Did you know the USA government wants to spend your money on something called “Volcano Monitoring?” Are you kidding me?

Like Jindal said, “Americans can do anything,” and that includes monitoring our own d*mn volcanoes. Seriously, how hard can it be? It’s probably like ice fishing. Just get some binoculars and some graph paper and a thermometer and sit around looking at a stupid volcano and every once in a while, write down some data, like, “The volcano is still sitting there, lookin’ like an off-brand mountain with a hole in it. 10 + 50 – 20. Pie chart.”

Remember: Americans can do anything. They don’t expect the government to fix everything. True Americans aren’t afraid of the drama and risk of the free market — the transformative thrill of creative destruction — the hot explosion of the unexpected — the dynamism of having your outmoded assumptions (and your home) buried in the burning lava of innovation — the full-throated cries of agony as yesterday’s losers are turned to ash and new, more productive members of society are birthed!

Ladies and gentlemen, Americans can do anything! Let’s prove it to the world! LET’S ALL GET KILLED BY VOLCANOES!


3 Responses to “Bobby vs. the Volcano”

  1. I am sorry; I have been sitting here trying to come up with a witty and sarcastic but also to the point retort to this guy’s comment about DIY volcano monitoring, but I just can’t. All of the tiny little advancements in engineering and medicine and everything else that make your life safer so you can freeze to death in an untimely ice fishing accident if you so choose come from these people called SCIENTISTS. And, yes, in fact, some of those scientists study volcanoes because, believe it or not, there is a lot of stuff going on under the ground that is not visible to the naked or even binoculared eye.

    Believe it or not, many Americans live within range of active volcanoes. Portland, Oregon and pretty much all of the state of Hawaii spring to mind, although there are probably other examples. I don’t know, I am not a vulcanologist. (That’s right, those people who went to school for 8 years just to study volcanoes even get a special name for their profession.)

    Now, I know what you are probably thinking: anyone who is stupid enough to live within range of an active volcano without at least keeping their own at home volcano monitoring graph deserves to be covered in hot toxic ash without warning. Well, quite frankly, if you actually do think that, I mean, if you REALLY REALLY believe that, then you are completely ignorant of how legitimate science actually works and you take it completely for granted, even though the safety and comfort of your life as it is would be impossible without it. And also, and more to the point, it makes you a compassionless complete fucking douchebag.

    Ok, I guess I could manage a little sarcasm.

  2. can we also just state the sherrif harry lee is who turned around all the Black people from coming into his mostly white parish at gunpoint during katrina?? just saying.

  3. … so politicians really do train really hard to talk and gesture like Bill Clinton, don’t they? Oy, vey.

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