Archive for humor

Obama Depressed, Distant Since “Battlestar Galactica” Series Finale

Posted in humor, sci-fi with tags , , , , , , , on April 12, 2009 by Sunshine Superboy

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Obama told aides he feels “like a cylon without a Resurrection Ship.”

As for me, I just have All Along the Watchtower ingrained in my brain for the next decade or two. So, too many BlackMaps/BSG fans have tugged on my sleeves about sharing this to remain silent much longer. Its pretty frakking awesome for the subset within the subset within the subset of you who follow the show and you know… have like heard of some guy named Barack O’ something.

Or maybe you are just a tad depressed in the post Battlestar lull. Its spring you dastards! Go out and play with bunnies and zombie-jesus!

From L’Onion avec pleasure:

WASHINGTON—According to sources in the White House, President Barack Obama has been uncharacteristically distant and withdrawn ever since last month’s two-hour series finale of Battlestar Galactica.

“The president seems to be someplace else lately,” said one high-level official, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Yesterday we were all being briefed on the encroachment of Iranian drone planes into Iraq, when he just looked up from the table and blurted out, ‘What am I supposed to watch on Fridays at 10 p.m. now? Numb3rs?'”

“I haven’t seen him this upset since Admiral Adama realized that Earth was actually an uninhabitable wasteland,” the official continued. “Or at least that’s what he told me. I don’t actually watch the show. It’s not really my thing.”

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Obama attempts to console himself with leaked production stills from the upcoming spin-off Caprica.

Since the end of the series, Obama has reportedly brushed off key budgetary decisions, ignored his wife and children, and neglected his daily workouts, claiming that he no longer cares if he lets himself go “just like Lee did before the rescue on New Caprica.”

In addition, sources confirmed that instead of meeting with Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner on Monday, the depressed president sat alone in the Oval Office, scouring Internet message boards for posts by other fans about the series conclusion.

Hoping to cheer himself up, Obama also decided to re-watch the extended director’s cut of “Unfinished Business,” a season three episode he once described as “bringing the Starbuck-Apollo relationship to a head in the best possible way.”

Revisiting the series, however, has only made the president more miserable. After a staffer suggested he bring DVDs of the show along on a recent policy trip to Denver, Obama reportedly muttered under his breath, “What’s the point? It’s over.”

“We were going over his schedule when he sighed and asked if I watched Battlestar,” said a White House secretary, whom Obama used to playfully call “Billy.” “I told him I was planning on it because my sister’s a big fan, but he just stared out the window the whole time.”

“I also noticed he took down his Battlestar Galactica season 4.5 poster,” she added.

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Obama watched the finale just as he had every previous episode, alone in the White House screening room with the volume turned all the way up. Sources said he emerged exhilarated and told several aides that the show’s writers “wrapped things up the best they could, though the very end was a little much.”

The commander in chief also bragged that he “totally called” the fact that “All Along The Watch Tower” would be used as the jump coordinates for the FTL drive.

Despite his initial excitement, by Monday morning the absence of the hour-long Sci-Fi program had begun to affect the president.

“I’m a little concerned,” first lady Michelle Obama was overheard saying at a fundraising event Tuesday. “When Firefly was canceled, he walked around like a zombie for a week, and Serenity was the only thing that snapped him out of it. Last night he said he felt like he had just discovered David Axelrod was one of the Final Five, whatever that means.”

A devoted fan of the original 1978 Battlestar Galactica, Obama was initially hesitant to watch the new series, saying he was upset to learn that hotshot pilot Starbuck would be played by a woman. However, during a particularly slow week in the U.S. Senate, Obama decided to rent the first season from Netflix.

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Aides said Obama “blew through” season one in a weekend, then purchased season 2.0 from a local Best Buy, and, in order to catch up in time for season three, downloaded the majority of season 2.5 from iTunes.

“When we spoke last month, he said season three was his least favorite because some of the episodes with Helo and the Sagittarons—and pretty much anything that involved Cally—were boring and didn’t advance the plot,” Afghan president Hamid Karzai said. “But I told him that when you watch it all on DVD, and you don’t have to wait a whole week for a new show, those peripheral episodes actually add new color to the already established world.”

Added Karzai, “Lately, though, it seems like he’d rather talk about the resurgence of Taliban warlords in Kandahar than the show.”

During an emergency press conference on Wednesday, Obama addressed his recent detachment, as well as various other matters facing the United States.

“Our nation finds itself in uncharted territory in the deep emptiness of space,” Obama announced. “The Old Girl has limited supplies, no allies, and now, no hope. I never said this would be an easy journey. Yet I promise you this: There is a place where there is no war and no economic turmoil. It is where, according to the Sacred Scrolls handed down to us by the Lords of Kobol, the thirteenth tribe traveled over three thousand years ago. That place is called Earth. Not the other Earth. This Earth. It’s complicated. Anyway, I plan to take us there.”

Added Obama, “So say we all! So say we all! So say we all!”

Hi-larious.

The World is Yrs,
Sunshine Superboy

Spoiler Alert! Don’t hit play unless you’ve already seen the last episode or don’t really give a frak:

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Between Long Island and the Apocalypse…

Posted in anthropology, art & music with tags , , , , , , , , , , on April 4, 2009 by Sunshine Superboy

Voilá! A magical land called Levittown, NY:
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I grew up on Long Island. Its important for those of us who have such bizarre sub-urban origins to speak up with our perspectives. Even we, who were enmeshed in the advent of the post-modern city, in particular, those of us who have left it, have a sharp critique to offer, and perhaps a prescient experience of the coming post-modern apocalypse.

Okay, so its a goofy afternoon in New Orleans, and my hosts just shared a funny thing with me, and I would like to share it with you, but first I wanted to prep you with some po-mo/ pre-appok build up. Trust me, it’ll be more fun that way (and infinitely more so if you are suffering through some b.s. higher education). So I’m gonna ask you to go through a special initiation. Watch this, and then peep the blurb below:

Post-Modern Condition Upgraded To Pre-Apocalyptic:

The “postmodern” condition of alienated, disjointed late-20th-century humanity was officially upgraded to “pre-apocalyptic” Monday, when new findings from leading postmodernist theorist Richard Rorty were published in the new issue of Semiotexte. “I was flipping through the cable channels the other night, trying to get an abstract sense of the way emergent processes of change and transformation generated by contemporary high-tech society are challenging cultural assumptions regarding diverse aesthetic forms to create a novel state of history,” Rorty said, “when, all of a sudden, I realized that everything I was looking at was the biggest load of unimaginably horrific crap ever.” At this point in the socio-cultural discourse, Rorty said, the key question is no longer whether or not social fragmentation, cultural meta-juxtaposition and socioeconomic problematics require new modes of experience and interpretation, but rather, “When will the seven-headed dragon of the End Times descend upon us all in unholy fury?”

I’m sorry, the seven-headed dragon of the End Times? Oh “the Onion”, how I love thee… (lets get gay married in Iowa, yeah?)

The pre-apocalypse is yours,
Sunshine Super-Seven-Headed-Dragon-Füry!

Bobby vs. the Volcano

Posted in politics, sci-fi with tags , , , , , , , , on February 25, 2009 by Sunshine Superboy

I haven’t wanted to punch someone in the face this bad since watching Jar-Jar Binx’s horrendous condescension in Episode One of Star Wars. Good Gawd! Hot Damns! Will you listen to this oblivious dastard?

For real? Is this guy remotely serious? There are universal tears of laughter coming from media punditry of all political stripes and stars. Some Republicans are even opining the return of Sarah Palin to put us all out of our misery. My fave is from David Rees (you may remember David from such productions as Get Your War On)

Boosh! Checkit!

Don’t know about you, but I am FIRED UP about Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal’s speech last night. After “Communist-in-Chief” Barack Obama spoke to Americans like they were a bunch of babies (all the while scheming to steal their money and give it to the banks, which he would then nationalize, meaning he would get a huge year-end bonus), it was refreshing to see a politician who isn’t afraid to speak to Americans like they’re adults.

I’ll admit, I haven’t really been paying attention to the USA Leninism Stimulator Act, or whatever it’s called. (All I knew was that it cost about fifty quadrillion dollars, and if you started stacking $100 bills on top of each other the day Jesus was born, they’d eventually reach all the way around the equator and into outer space and we’d all be forced to walk to the moon on a stairway of dollar bills made from how wasteful the government is.)

But it took Bobby Jindal’s confident, manly speech and ferocious, slashing hand gestures to really bring home to me just how wasteful the Stimulator Package really is.

Did you know the USA government wants to spend your money on something called “Volcano Monitoring?” Are you kidding me?

Like Jindal said, “Americans can do anything,” and that includes monitoring our own d*mn volcanoes. Seriously, how hard can it be? It’s probably like ice fishing. Just get some binoculars and some graph paper and a thermometer and sit around looking at a stupid volcano and every once in a while, write down some data, like, “The volcano is still sitting there, lookin’ like an off-brand mountain with a hole in it. 10 + 50 – 20. Pie chart.”

Remember: Americans can do anything. They don’t expect the government to fix everything. True Americans aren’t afraid of the drama and risk of the free market — the transformative thrill of creative destruction — the hot explosion of the unexpected — the dynamism of having your outmoded assumptions (and your home) buried in the burning lava of innovation — the full-throated cries of agony as yesterday’s losers are turned to ash and new, more productive members of society are birthed!

Ladies and gentlemen, Americans can do anything! Let’s prove it to the world! LET’S ALL GET KILLED BY VOLCANOES!

Fun-A-Day-2009

Posted in art & music with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 13, 2009 by Sunshine Superboy

I’m tripping a little bit, cuz some old housemates of mine just passed on this link to a movie called Art House which was filmed at our old cooperative home called Black Elk, which is in Ann Arbor, Michigan. Some of the shit from our shennanigans back in the day has made its way into the background of the movie, which, seems not entirely unrelated to what the co-op actually was in the grander scheme of things. Its even got Iggy Pop starring in it. hmm…

Speaking of art, you may recall from my first blackmaps post that the midwife of this blog was an exciting artistic conspiracy called Fun-A-Day, where people make a pact to get through the doldrums of January by creating their own projects and producing one piece of artwork or one repetitive activity each day for the entire month culminating in the Fun-A-Day artshow in February. Does that make sense? Do you need someone to explain it more, ahem, musically???

Fantastic! And my friend Karen T. Trouble actually did bake a pie per day, ps. I even tasted two or three of them. Delicious!

So, Fun-​A-​Day is happe​ning in Phila​delph​ia,​ Pitts​burgh​ and San Franc​isco this year!​ And the art shows are upon us…

Phila​delph​ia:​ This year’​s Fun-​A-​Day show will be held on Febru​ary 14 from 7 to 11 p.m. at Studi​o 34 Yoga locat​ed at 4522 Balti​more Avenu​e in West Phill​y.​-​it’​s FREE.​ Last year’​s show featu​red more than fifty​ artis​ts and was atten​ded by more than 300 peopl​e.​

I of course have been blogging, submitting to other blogs, or educating people about the magic of blogs for the month of January, so you can always see what I’ve been up to all month.

If you can’t make it to the art show, there is plenty of fun-a-day blog stuff to check out including some of my favorites like Morgan’s amateur dream analysis blog, Timothy’s fake polaroid a day blog, a lost/missed connections themed blog,or how about a series of word clouds constituted from craigs list casual encounters posts?

and then there’s this blog which you’ll probably enjoy if you’re a fan of black maps (more science, art, and geekery than maps, but yay!)

There is so much fun fun-a-day related stuff out there I don’t really know where to begin, but if you can appreciate something like this video, then you should check out chris vargas’s blog:

you can find out more about the show by clicking here, but hopefully I’ll just see you there tomorrow!

some local entri​es include:​

02/7 outfi​ts and sandw​iches​:​ a 31 day zine
poste​d by carol​yn,​ cedar​ park!​

02/4 Apple​-​A-​Day
poste​d by Wendi​,​ San Franc​isco

02/2 Craig​’​s List:​ Casua​l Encou​nter a Day
poste​d by gAlex​,​ west phill​y

02/1 31 Hiber​natio​n Drawi​ngs
poste​d by Wolfi​e E.
Rawk,​ West Phill​y

01/​28 poo du jour:​ inves​tigat​ive repai​nting​
poste​d by shari​ tobia​s,​ west philt​hy

01/​27 haiku​s (​non-​exact​)​
poste​d by Artyc​,​ SF/​NY/​Flori​da

01/​23 filmi​ng 31 secon​ds of movem​ent every​day
poste​d by Malic​ Amaly​a,​ Seatt​le,​ WA

as for artclash itself:

The Artcl​ash Colle​ctive​ is a Phila​delph​ia-​based​ group​ of artis​ts who organ​ize art proje​cts and shows​ that aim to be fun, inclu​sive and parti​cipat​ory.​ With each proje​ct/​show,​ we seek to creat​e a welco​ming forum​ for peopl​e to share​ their​ art and form a commu​nity of artis​ts.​ Our shows​ are alway​s inclu​sive of anyon​e who wants​ to parti​cipat​e,​ free,​ all ages and we hope they serve​ as an inspi​ratio​n for those​ who atten​d.​ We belie​ve the desir​e to creat​e is a funda​menta​l human​ trait​ that we are often​ alien​ated from in moder​n socie​ty.​ We belie​ve the act of creat​ion can be a trans​forma​tive exper​ience​ that reest​ablis​hes the bond betwe​en artis​ts and their​ human​ity.​ We belie​ve every​one is an artis​t and every​thing​ you make is art.

Enjoy!

The World is Yrs,
Sunshine Superboy

Fashion Thinktank of Techmology

Posted in science with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 4, 2009 by Sunshine Superboy

With egg on my face, I sheepishly removed my corduroy coat, and humbled myself for the enlightened fashionista-scolding that was about to bare down on me. Thusly prepared for their upbraiding, I remained standing in the doorway in my corduroy pants…

“Are you seriously about to leave the house in a corduroy jacket and corduroy pants??! Thats like a Canadian tuxedo!”

Ahem. A wha? Bewildered a tad, certainly perplexed, and above all else intrigued, I took note of how I had absent mindedly grabbed that particular coat, and the fact that it did make for some masterpiece-theatre-esque combo with the outfit I had consciously donned. That I got. But what the frak was a-

“Canadian tuxedo: You know, like when someone wears jeans and a denim jacket? A DDT? A denim on denim threat?! Surely you’ve heard of this, Esteban.”

And being who I am, I really should have. I mean… had I missed all the signs?mattdamon_4001
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I quickly came to, and acknowledged what had never quite taken hold in my mind as the denim phenomenon. But along with that, I had to admit that unlike Sara Romero, I actually have a soft spot for the coarse material. When contemplating what so bad about a Canadian Tuxedo, Sara blogs:

The answer to that question is, EVERYTHING. Everything is wrong with a Canadian Tuxedo… I’ve lost many a night of sleep, my mind just churning in thought of why the Double Denim Threat is such a heinous faux-pas in comparison to, let’s say cotton. No one cares if you wear copious dichotomies of cotton, or wool, or tiger-printed Lycra. Alright, that last one might just be me.

I remain unchanged. But then she goes on to deconstruct the DDT:

What makes or breaks your denim wear is the sheer volume of that denim; it needs to be just the right amount of jean to be deemed acceptable, and it’s so easy that even your run of the mill suburban mom should be able to figure it out.

Now here she is on to something. We’re not gonna reach consensus anytime soon regarding what that upper limit of blue on blue might be, but something about calibrating the scientific imbalance made something else finally start to make sense to me.

the Fashion Institute of Technology. F.I.T. is right up near my school, but closer to PENN Station, in midtown manhattan, on… (non-new yorkers might want to brace for this) Fashion Avenue. (its actually called that on the street signs that also decree the more modest moniker “7th Avenue”). Why in gods name is there a place by that name. I mean, really. A fashion institute… of technology??! Really you guys?? Its something about new york that has nagged at my gut since I was a kid. Where fashion meets techmology?? Thats just ridics.

But think of the ways they could break shit like this down:
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Our own helpful tour guides to demystify the labyrinthine wasteland of materials, fabrics, accessories, and the ubiquitous faux-pas. What if we had an actual fashion force of faux-pas police? Could we have avoided the “ironic” hipster mullet? The rampage of VICE magazine? The saturday-night bisexuals who put the “faux” in “faux-hawk”?

Okay, short of a full on indictment of fashionistas, I hope its clear enough that the last thing we need on the East Coast (and new york of all places) is more frakking policing. We’re up to our elbows in that crap. If I wanna rock a DDT, y’all are just gonna have to let me rock it. 21e-7qtul_aa160_Thats not to say I don’t appresh my buddies looking out for me when I unknowingly strut out my front door in what I imagine we’d call a Cambridge Tuxedo. By all means.

But if I’m intentionally assembling a Cambridge Tux, a DCT (double corduroy threat?), best get the hella outta my way. I’m just glad I know whom to call when I’m putting it all together…

the world is yrs,
Sunshine Superboy

“That Thing”: a white privilege pre-quel

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on February 2, 2009 by Sunshine Superboy

ummm…. What to do when a Jewmaican is too overwhelmed to kvetch??!

… So we have to have a chat. Nah, its not you in particular (unless, maybe it is), I’ve just had the thing come up again and again in the last week and figured its time to broach the subject here. (Ahem, not THE Thing, mind you, since he’s pretty much got his shit together since buddying up with Storm and the Black Panther in the NEW Fantastic Four…)newfantasticfour1 A different thing. And not Lauryn Hill style, either. You know the talk I mean, about that nasty little thing that some of us are better at identifying than others, called white privilege. Sure, its a heavy conversation, so why not lead things off with a little chuckle before I get all People’s Institute on yr asses.

consider this a pre-quel, and I’ll catch you on the flip.

catch ya on the flip,
Sunshine Superboy